Parent Coaching (Part 2): Types of parenting styles

What sort of a parent are you and how do you parent?

There are four main types of parenting and a fifth has recently been added.

o   Authoritative-clear expectations, definite rules, supportive.

o   Authoritarian-high expectations, disciplined, non-supportive.

o   Permissive- low expectations, excessive responsiveness.

o   Uninvolved- no expectations, little support.

o   Over-involved parents- can be referred to as snow plough or helicopter parents, they typically involve themselves in all aspects of their children's lives, sometimes to the detriment of their children.

It is worth pausing at this point and reflecting on your childhood. Can you identify the most prevalent style that your parents used to bring you up? What were the good things you remember about your parent’s style as parents? What were the qualities you would have changed?

Pause for another thought- how do you consciously want to parent? Do you need to parent yourself too?

Let’s talk about Authoritative parenting.

Authoritative parenting is about communicating high expectations from children, with warmth responsiveness and consistent boundaries.

“This type of parent normally develops a close, nurturing relationship with their children. They have clear guidelines for their expectations and explain their reasons associated with disciplinary actions. Disciplinary methods are used as a way of support instead of punishment. Not only can children have input into goals and expectations, but there are also frequent and appropriate levels of communication between the parent and their child. In general, this parenting style leads to the healthiest outcomes for children but requires a lot of patience and effort on both parties.” National Library of Medicine.

“Children do better when they feel better.” 

Jane Nelson, the author of Positive Discipline, followed up this statement by saying “Where did we ever get the crazy idea that to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?” 

Since our ultimate goal as parents is to teach, the way to effectively make this happen is through kind but firm discipline. We need to be kind to our children – by showing them respect, listening to their concerns, and acknowledging their emotions – so we can build trust with them and open them up to learning. We also need to be firm with our children – by consistently setting boundaries and expectations for proper behaviour – to guide them toward being the best person they can be. If we’re just kind to our children but not firm, our children miss out on important lessons they need to be successful self-sufficient children and adults in society.

So how can you make this happen?

Here is an example using the acronym LOVE to support and guide your authoritarian parenting.

Listen, Observe, Validate, Empathise.

A child who feels understood is often a child who is more inclined to adjust their negative behaviours.

For example, Laura comes home from school furious. She comes through the back door, slams it, and throws her backpack across the hall. Startled, you look up from the kitchen. You immediately address Laura. O “Laura, I can see you are angry. I don’t know why, but I want to. But you cannot throw your stuff. Please go and pick it up.” Laura softens a touch and picks up her backpack and hangs it on the hook by the door. L She walks over to you and tearfully explains that she tried to stick up for a younger child on the school bus and some older children turned on her and threw the homework she was holding out of the window. V “That is awful. I would be angry too. You have every right.” Laura says, “It was my homework for tomorrow.” You validate Laura’s feelings, E “I bet you feel worried and frustrated. You tried to do the right thing and now you may be in trouble for not having your homework. It’s wrong.” Laura allows you to hug her and then says, “It’s okay, I’ll answer the questions on another sheet of paper. I can find out the questions from a friend.” “Good idea, do you need my help?” Laura asks for a snack, and you sit next to her as she eats. Laura feels understood, supported, and close to you because you get it.

The biggest communication problem is we don’t necessarily listen to understand we listen to reply. A parent who actively listens to understand, and who validates their child’s experience for what it is without trying to fix it will be a parent a child wants to go to at any time but especially when they need help or are in trouble.

There is an art to active listening, are you a good listener?

The next post (part 3) will be all about not being afraid to take the lead as parents and joined up parenting.

To find out more about The Soke’s Child & Family Mental Health Services, please contact The Soke’s Client Services Team.