Remembering that men are victims too

This piece was written to mark “No More” - Domestic Violence Awareness Week

I recently had a conversation with a friend who works in the criminal justice system.

She told me that in cases of domestic abuse where the perpetrator is a woman and the victim a man, a jury will invariably return with a verdict of Not Guilty, regardless of overwhelming evidence against the accused.

Apparently, even in these enlightened times, despite teaching our boys and men that it's never acceptable to raise their hands to women, we still don't believe that when push quite literally comes to shove, some won't.

The reality is that of the reported cases of domestic abuse, one third are male. And whist looking at this number it's worth keeping in mind that over 50% of male victims of domestic abuse are too ashamed to tell anyone about their experiences, let alone make a police complaint.

There is absolutely no doubt that, in the main, if a man is revealed to have been on the receiving end of domestic abuse, there's a greater likelihood that his strength and masculinity will be brought into question (even if it's a reflexive, subconscious question).

This, for many men, quite literally adds insult to injury and is a huge barrier to seeking any type of intervention.

Given that those on the receiving end of abuse - male or female - have already internalised the accusations of worthlessness that are explicitly or implicitly levelled at them by their partners, it's not surprising that they find it almost impossible to see themselves as someone worthy of respect, support, justice. 

My colleague, Dean Nicholson - Head of Adult Therapy at The Soke - adds the following examples of deterrents to reporting that he has seen first hand among his clients:

• Taking away car keys or medications, controlling where he goes and who he sees;

• Controlling the finances and sometimes deliberately defaulting on joint financial obligations;

• Making false allegations to the victim’s friends, employers or the police, and finding other ways to manipulate or isolate him;

• Threatening to leave and preventing him from seeing his kids if he reports the abuse.
  - this last one is a tool that’s often labelled as control and not fully recognised as abuse.

We know that cases of domestic abuse have risen in the last year as perpetrators have been using the restrictions to inflict emotional and physical harm with even less visibility than before.

If there is a rise in female victims - as reported by charities like Refuge and by various law enforcement and social service agencies - then we can take it as a given that the same applies to men. 

As mental health professionals, the very least that we can do is to join the campaign for parity between men and women when it comes to the freedom to reveal their vulnerabilities. 

We know that phrases like "man up" cause so much damage that over 65% of young men in the UK feel the pressure to display stereotypical masculine traits to the detriment of their mental, and sometimes physical, health.

The long-term effect of these expectations has led to greater isolation in moments when they are in most need of help. 

No more. 

If you feel affected by the issues discussed above, please contact us if you are able to.