Everyone’s just posturing

What a state we find ourselves in. At a time when we’re being taught about the politics of sexual identity by a new breed, we’re simultaneously obligated to be teaching them about the rules of sexualised behaviour in an environment when so much of what they’re doing is alien to those of us from a previous generation (texting naked photographs.. really??)

I have 3 teenagers: 2 boys and my youngest is a girl. I, like other parents, want my children to be fairly treated, paid and equally respected – at home, school, work and in life generally.

My husband and I are trying to do our part by challenging stereotypical roles within the household, but I often question whether what we’re doing is enough and whether we, as adults, are successfully treading the line between evolving our own attitudes whilst remaining sufficiently consistent in our behaviour to create a sense of safety and stability for our children.

The lives of teenagers are pressurised.

They’re navigating unchartered territory with ever-greater complexity and turbulence around questions of identity, body image, relationships and academics.

And it’s all being played out publicly against the backdrop of social media. As if this stage of development isn’t hard enough in the privacy of their own home, body & mind, now it’s open for everyone to spectate.

Those in my profession are seeing that the more the road is travelled in full public view, the more the pressure is internalised, and the impact is, ultimately, on self-esteem and wellbeing.

We know that 50% of mental health concerns for adolescents & teens have to do with relationships. Boys and girls are confused, individually and collectively. There’s a disconnect between what each wants and what they think the other wants.

Social media and smartphones mean that we’re all constantly flooded with imagery that’s photoshopped, face-tuned and curated into falsehood. Teens know the distortion better than anyone, and yet – even armed with this knowledge – they’re subconsciously absorbing the “idealised” images and judging themselves by the unsound message embedded within unattainable standards.

Girls believe they need to emulate the imagery they see in order to be considered physically attractive, both to themselves and to boys. Boys see those same images and believe that they’re supposed to want the girls who mirror what they’re (somewhat unsubtly) told is desirable. If anyone doesn’t conform, then there’s clearly something wrong with them. 

The reality – what I’ve learned through my experience as a therapist – is that often girls don’t want to dress or look like the images they see, and boys don’t necessarily want that either, but both groups think that verbalising their thoughts will estrange them from what is “normal”.

So, everyone is just posturing and both sexes are completely missing each other by not stopping to ask themselves what they actually like.

Things get even more complicated if we stop to consider the influence of porn on impressionable minds.

Porn, in all its falseness and deception, confuses adolescents and tricks them into believing that what they’re seeing online represents normal sexual activity. If they’re learning about sex through porn, how are our kids meant to understand how to have and foster a healthy sexual relationship?

Body image and how we feel about our looks are subjective – we view ourselves very differently from how others see us. Most teens are already uncomfortable in their changing bodies and are trying to manage the accompanying feelings in the privacy of their own minds.

Even if they know – which many do – that what they see in porn videos is augmented (literally and metaphorically) as with images on social media, the message still makes its way into their subconscious and alters their perceptions of themselves and their peers.

With porn as their primary source of information – and what they see as sex education – where will they learn about sharing themselves with someone else in a way that’s healthy, respectful and realistic?

The answer is to foster honesty and open dialogue between the sexes – together, not to the exclusion of the other – so that both are heard and understood. And, as is becoming increasingly clear, the communication needs to continue well into adulthood.

As things stand now, adolescent boys and girls seem to just be missing each other – and that doesn’t bode well for anyone’s mental health. 

Please contact us if you feel that you or your children would benefit from talking to someone about the topics discussed in this piece.